Dealing With Grief by Mr. Keith Woods
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. - Ps.116:15
The loss of a loved one is, perhaps, the greatest turning point in life. We must realize that grief is a fitting and inevitable reaction during such a time. Grief must not be repressed and we should not try to avoid it. Neither should we expect to adjust to such a major change in our lives in a very short time.
In Matthew 20:23, Jesus seems to be saying that we must drink of the whole cup of life - depression as well as elation, sadness as well as gladness. We must let grief have its way for a while, yet not cling to it too hard or too long. Slowly, as time goes by, we can gradually free ourselves from its hold upon us.
One thing we must remember is that crying is good for us. The old saying, "Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone", seems to imply that the world believes laughing to be good and crying to be somehow a sign of weakness. Not so! It is just as natural to weep as to laugh and just as vital to good mental health. In the Bible, Paul wept (2 Corinthians 2:4); so did Peter (Matthew 26:75); John (Revelation 5:4) and the Lord Jesus Christ also wept (John 11:35).
It has been said that as you stand back from a picture and gaze at it, the dark lines are the ones that give the picture character and beauty. Perhaps God allows the dark lines in our lives to clarify our character and make us more like Christ, to "let the beauty of Jesus be seen in us", as the hymn says.
Experts who have studied grief, have found that, for most people, grieving follows a pattern. THEOS, an organization of widowed people, list ten stages of grieving that most people experience. Of course, we are all different, and no two people go through this pattern in the same way. Some may not undergo all the stages, or may experience them in different order or for different lengths of time. But it is good to be aware of these stages so we can know where we are and understand what is happening to us. Remember, if we are children of God, He will be with us through it all, and we can emerge from our trials wiser and better people than before. The following pages will take us through the ten stages of grief. This booklet is not designed to replace pastoral counseling, but is intended to inform and educate the children of God as to the natural progression of the grieving progression.
STAGE ONE: SHOCK
The total sense of loss in the death of a loved one does not strike us all at once. Like the shock of a bad accident, we are stunned; there is a numbness and not much pain. We go about as if in a trance, perhaps relieved that our loved one's pain is finally over. This may last for minutes, hours, or even days. It is God's way of helping us through a very difficult period.
STAGE TWO: FACING EMOTIONS
When the services are over and all our relatives and friends are gone, we are finally alone, and the thought comes that this is the way it is going to be. Never again will we see that smile, hear that voice, or experience that hug. At this point, our emotions may change often and suddenly, and seem all mixed up. We may even wonder if we are losing our sanity. This is a bad time to make any important decisions! Emotions may lead to mistakes that we will later regret. Here the advice of Psalm 27:14 is good: "wait on the Lord: be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." It is wise to postpone any major commitments until we are emotionally ready, have all the facts, and some good sound advice.
STAGE THREE: DEPRESSION
Loneliness and depression are feelings that affect us all to varying degrees. This can be a time of utter despair. The enormity of the loss may crash over us like a dark ocean wave, altering forever our previous patterns of living. We wonder how we can go on and what we should do. And the one who has been our sounding board, the one who encouraged us when we had doubts, and comforted us when we were downhearted is no longer there. Suddenly, we realize that all the years of physical intimacy are also ended. In the vastness of our loss, we cry and cry. This is not wrong. Grief is a measure of loss. Lose something of little value and there will be little grieving. On the other hand, losing something of true worth produces great grief. We can see, then, that grief is a testimonial to the priceless value of the one who is gone. Don't repress it.
In Isaiah 53:3, we read that Jesus is "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." How wonderful to know that our Lord understands and that He has promised to never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). So we must trust Him and give Him our burdens. Matthew 5:4 states, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." And Paul called the Lord ". . . the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort" in 2 Corinthians 1:3. When we are alone, we should talk to God aloud, telling Him our thoughts, needs and our doubts. Spend more time n the Word. And claim promises like Philippians 4:7 and 19: We can know the peace of God which passeth understanding and our God shall supply all our needs "according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
STAGE FOUR: PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS
Grief can bring us real physical distress, indigestion, nervous disorders, and even ulcers along with other illnesses. This is often caused by repressed feelings. If we "keep a stiff upper lip" and try to put on a false front to hide our emotions, we may be asking for real problems. We may also begin to develop bad habits such as poor diet, little or no exercise, or possibly smoking or drinking which will affect our health and undermine our spiritual being. We must prayerfully search out the cause and, if necessary, seek help from Christian counselors and friends.
STAGE FIVE: PANIC
Perhaps the one who is gone made all the decisions in our relationship. We may find ourselves attempting to continue this dependence by asking ourselves, "What would he do in this situation?" Just basic decisions, but we can't seem to make them alone. Anxiety takes over, and we begin to panic. We're afraid to go it alone; we want to hide from life, afraid to try anything unfamiliar or meet any new people. This stage will soon pass if we confess it to the Lord and don't deny it to friends.
STAGE SIX: GUILT
Nearly everyone experiences some feeling of guilt in the loss of a spouse. None of us are perfect, and we all have done things we later wish we had not done. Some of us may end up blaming ourselves for the death. We may say, "if only I had done this" or "maybe if I hadn't done that." The words or actions we are regretting probably had nothing to do with the death or its cause. These "if-only" feelings are common and normal. But there can be a type of guilt feeling that is neurotic, and adversely affects behavior and health. The person suffering from neurotic guilt may become so insecure that he or she attributes every problem to self-inadequacy. They may sink into morbid brooding, which will not change the facts and can only make things worse. Long talks with a pastor, Christian counselor, or trustworthy friend may be necessary to dispel this type of self-blame. We must not assume greater responsibility than the situation justifies. Take it to the Lord and leave it there.
STAGE SEVEN: HOSTILITY
Anger, resentment, and hostility may all be a part of our grief reaction. We want to fix the blame for our situation on some one. The targets of our frustration and bitterness may be the doctor or hospital, other family members, the clergy, God, a deceased spouse, or even ourselves. The problem here is that we are asking the wrong question. Don't ask, "Why?", for there may never be an answer. Instead ask, "How can I live through this and be a help to others?" Our emotions are complex feelings and we don't always understand them. "He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly." (Proverbs 14:17) Ecclesiastes 7:9 tells says to, "Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools." Widowhood is terribly frustrating, and it is human to express this frustration in anger. But the direction to "be ye angry and sin not" in Ephesians 4:26 implies that we must try to channel our anger positively toward conditions we can do something about and not toward people, and certainly not toward the Lord.
STAGE EIGHT: DRIFTING
We may find it difficult, in fact almost impossible, to return to the usual and even necessary routines and activities of life. We get the feeling that nobody cares - "what's the use?" We don't want to be around people and may drift into a world of fantasy, daydreaming about what might have been rather than facing up to the reality of the present circumstances. We must do as the writer of Ecclesiastes said, "I applied my heart to know, and to search, and to seek out wisdom, and the reason of folly, even of foolishness and madness." We must stop and think about where we are now and where we must go from here.
STAGE NINE: HOPE
Finally, we reach the stage where we realize that the Lord still cares. Many of our prayers are being answered; the Lord has helped us through many feelings of catastrophe and we are beginning to feel at peace. We can be ourselves and not be so lonely. We allow ourselves the luxury of just living and beginning to explore what the future holds. We feel a kinship and warm affection for others who have had a similar experience, and seek to aid and encourage them.
STAGE TEN: REAFFIRM
We finally realize that we are new, complete people, with much to give. We have gained new spiritual strength through our time of adversity, and we have a better understanding of the emotions of others when they are going through times of sadness and despondency. Our faith is stronger now, as we have learned to trust, to utterly depend on the Lord. We have worked through our grief and are able to seek to bolster the faith of others.
Editor's Note: I remember Mr. Woods as a kind and meek man who, to a young boy, was the epitome of a grandfather with his white hair and tall upright stature. He was a tremendous help to my father as he continued to learn the work of the ministry. With his soft-spoken voice and fatherly wisdom, he made an impact on the lives of those who came to know him.
I do not know much of Mr. Woods' history. His age upon receiving Christ as his Savior and his lifetime vocation are all mysteries to me. One of my first memories of Mr. Woods is when I visited his home with my father. His wife was sick and eventually passed away. Mrs. Woods offered to share with me her favorite candy - orange fluffy elephant peanuts. When she passed on to Heaven, her husband was left with a time of grieving which obviously preceded this well-written booklet. The tenderness of this man and compassion that he shows with the written word are truly a testimony to one who has experienced the grace of God.
My final memory of Mr. Woods is found in his unique story-telling ability. I think that it was in the summer months that my father would have all of the children sit at the feet of Mr. Woods and listen as he told us his wonderful stories that always had a Bible truth which we, of course, all needed to apply. Though it may sound a bit trivial, in some ways I hope the Lord allows us to gatther around Mr. Woods in Heaven and listen as he spins a story of mystery and action that ultimately points each of us to the Savior.
Mr. Keith Woods was the epitome of a meek and gracious Christian man. He is greatly missed and we all wish there were more men of wisdom who would take up his mantle and carry on his great work of investing in the lives of a younger generation. I believe the writer of Hebrews, in referring to many Christians like Mr. Woods, sums it up best when he writes, "Of whom the world was not worthy:".
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